|
Chapter 1:
Legolina, the prettiest elf in the Fellowship (and probably the whole world) woke up on a beautiful Tuesday morning. He (I'm just going to say he because I'm too lazy to write he/she every time) smiled at his pretty flowered wallpaper.
"I sure am glad that my hair didn't get messed up when I got buried under the snow last week at Mt. Carhadrashashnark or however you pronounce it," he said, smashing a picture of Eowyn as he tried to decide which dress he would wear today. "I shouldn't have worried. If my special enchanted elvish non-mess-uppable hair could go through seventeen fight sequences in the first film alone, it should be able to stand a little snow." Legolina spewed out more explanatory dialogue for the stupid people reading this who had missed the highlights of his movies as he took a shower and shaved his legs. "I really liked looking prettier than Eowyn during the battle of Helm's Deep. And I looked SO much prettier than Aragorn in the fight with the cave troll in BalEEEEN's tomb where they could only show profile shots of him because Pippin whacked him with a surfboard the day before and he had a black eye. HA HA HA! And wasn't that so fun when I got Galadriel to admit she copied my hairstyle? And-"
Legolina stopped suddenly. He had been putting on his mascara when he noticed something in the mirror. HIS HAIR WAS MESSED UP!!!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed. He ran to dial 9-1-1. "AHHHHH!!! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!!!! MY HAIR!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! HELP!!! AHHHHHH!!!!"
He picked up the phone. He couldn't remember the number for 9-1-1 so he just dialed a bunch of random numbers and screamed "AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!"
"Ninety Minute Minion Services," said a voice on the other line. "If we're not there in ninety minutes you get a free Stoor. This is Stacy, how may I help you?"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" said Legolina. "I thought AAAHHHHHHH it was AAAAHHHH a free orc!"
"Yeah, well, most of them are kind of dead right now. Some stupid fellowship with this girly elf thing killed half of them in their battle scenes. But we do have a wide selection of Riverfolk. Well, actually one of them's a half Riverfolk and one of them's a dead rotting Riverfolk, and the other one's a 500-year-old Riverfolk who enjoys jewelry fondling, squatting in darkness, and referring to himself in the third person/ first person plural."
"SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!" shouted Legolina, and then hung up and started crying. "Isn't anybody going to help me?"
Then he started singing because Middle Earth creatures are required to sing a random song that doesn't even rhyme every six and a half pages because stupid Tolkein didn't think his books were long and boring enough already.
My hair's messed up,
The west grows dark,
I must journey to Rivendell,
Ere midsummer's eve.
More stupid random stuff about elves,
We will go sail the ships of geratbadch to the shores of Mouadfc
Tolkein is a stupid dork,
elvish elvish elvish elvish.
After Legolina finished his song, he decided that he would go get help from Elrond of the one eyebrow the next day. Elrond knew everything about hair. He would know what to do. Legolina walked the light paths of elvish dreams (frequently running into things) until he was ready to go the next day.
Chapter 2:
Legolina woke up the next morning to find himself in Buckland.
"What the heck am I doing here?" he asked himself. "Those stupid elvish dreams must be making me sleepwalk."
Legolina didn't realize how stupid you have to be to sleepwalk somewhere while you have your eyes open.
"Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to find my way to Rivendell from here."
He walked for awhile until he reached the most boring point in the entire series: Tom Bombadil's house. Legolina looked through the window to see four hobbits and an old guy sitting around in a circle. They seemed to be talking about something very important.
"I have yellow boots! I have a blue jacket! Look at me!" said the old guy. "I'm Tom Bombadillo! What do you get when you mix blue and yellow?"
"Purple!" shouted a strange little hobbit with a Scottish accent.
"That's stuuuuuuuupendous!" said Tom Bombadil. "You were REALLY close!"
Suddenly, the other hobbits started laughing at the first hobbit.
"You have a funny accent!" one of them said.
"Wit accent?" he replied.
"Now kids," said Tom, "We shouldn't make fun of Billy just because he's Scottish. We're all special and unique in our own special way."
But Billy was off in the corner crying. "Wit accent? I dun't hiv an accent!"
The other three hobbits went over to him.
"We're sorry we made fun of you," they said.
"Yeah, we're all special," said the fat one. "Elijah does that scary chicken dance thing, and Dom is obsessed with eating apples, and Tom thinks he can make songs rhyme by adding 'dillo' to the end of every line!"
"Yeah," said Elijah, "and Sean gets his prosthetic feet put on by a guy named Sean Foot!"
"The point is, we shouldn't be making fun of you just because you wear a weirdo dress thing and talk like a freak and eat haggis and have the IQ of this apple," Dom said, holding up the fruit he was munching.
"Dum's an idiot," said Billy.
"Awwww," said Tom. "See? We are all special. I think we should all give each other a hug and sing our special song."
I love you-a-dillo,
You love me-adillo,
We're an inbred family-a-dillo,
With a great big hug-a-dillo,
And a kiss from me to you-a-dillo,
Except not really because Sam will kill you if you try anything-dillo.
Just then, a strange green dinosaur burst in through the door.
"I told you, Baby Bopp, I already have a sidekick," said Tom angrily.
"No, it's not that. Barney says he's going to sue you if you sing his song one more time."
"What?! That's my very own creative song that I made up myself. I love you-a-dillo is nothing like his stupid theme song. This part didn't even get into the movie anyway. I bet you're just mad at you because I got a new sidekick. I'll show her to you if you want."
Out of a side room came Tom's sidekick (a.k.a. wife), Goldberry.
"I wrote a song about her. Do you guys want to hear it?"
"NO!" everybody said at once.
"OK, I'll just tell you what it was about. It basically said that she was the prettiest person in Middle Earth. She's so pretty that--"
Legolina couldn't stand it any longer. He broke down the door and ran into the room.
"I'M THE PRETTIEST PERSON IN MIDDLE EARTH!!!" he shouted.
"No you're not! You have two messed up hairs!" they all shouted.
Legolina fell down on the floor and sobbed.
"I need to get to Rivendell!"
"Awwwww," said Tom Bombadil. "I'm sure your new friends would be glad to help you. Which brings us to tomorrow's lesson --"
"SHUT UP!" everybody yelled at once, and Baby Bopp hit him on the head with her blanky, knocking him out.
"Maybe that's why he wasn't in the movie," said Sean.
Then they all set off towards Rivendell.
Chapter 3:
Legolina and the hobbits rode their ponies to Bree. Legolina was very happy that he got the pink one.
"I didn't know they had pink ponies," said Legolina.
"Well Peter Jackson was able to find humungous mutant cows and pigs to make the hobbits look small, so it shouldn't have been hard to get a pink pony."
"I'm glad he did. This pony is so pretty. Not as pretty as me, of course."
They walked around in circles in the woods for awhile because they were stupid. Then they walked around in more circles.
"Are we lost?" asked Legolina.
"Of course not," said Frodo. "This is just a shortcut."
"A shortcut to what?"
"MUSHROOMS!" said Pippin.
"What?"
"I dun't know. Esn't thet whit one of the scenes es culled?"
"We already did that scene way back in Hobbiton," said Sam.
"Oh, you mean the scene where I wet my kilt?"
"No, stupid," said Merry. "The scene where you broke my carrot."
"I have some special elf glue if you want it," said Legolina. "By the way, how come the narrator changed your guys' names from Elijah, Dom, Sean, and Billy to Frodo, Merry, Sam, and Pippin?"
"Because of stupid Tom Bombadil," said Sam. "When we were back in his house, he wouldn't let us call each other names like Pippin and Frodo."
"Yeah," said Merry. "He thought that they were calling me a girl when they said Merry."
"Well lots of people get mixed up with that," said Legolina. "I thought you were a girl for half of the first book."
"Whit a coincidence," said Pippin. "I thut Legolina was a gurl fer half of the furst movie."
"Hey, Billy," said Merry, "How fast do you think you can run around and touch all of the trees in this forest?"
Pippin ran off into the forest while Merry "forgot" to start the stopwatch.
"Hey," said Legolina, "I have a great idea! Let's give each other make-overs while he's gone!"
"I think I'll just have another ale," said Sam.
"I'm going to Mordor alone," said Frodo.
"Um...let's um...we could just...close our eyes and...swim around!" said Merry, not being able to think of an excuse from this movie.
"Thes was yoor idea!" said Pippin, running past them to touch another tree.
They walked around for several more miles, still not able to find Bree. Their food supply was running short, so Pippin, who was still darting around touching trees, was not able to eat second breakfast. He finally came back several hours later
"Oh, sh-- my fut cem uff!" he said.
"I can fix it with my special elf glue!" said Legolina.
They were forced to rest while Legolina repaired Pippin's foot.
"How em I gonna till WETA thet my fut cem uff?" said Pippin
Just then, a voice came somewhere out of the forest.
"Billy, you're wanted on set!"
"I already EM on set, you blutty idiot!"
While Pippin was getting his hobbit foot glued back on, Merry, Pippin, and Sam started shoving each other. They said random words like "tig" and "tog" and "tig tag" every time.
"What are you you doing?" asked Frodo
"Oh, we're playin' a gemm culled Tig. Et's really fun. Wanna play?"
"How do you play?"
The three hobbits made up rules for the next hour, and they kept getting mad at Frodo for messing up the rules.
"No, you have to do an elephant impression if you want to tig Billy."
"Every time you tog Sean you have to drop your trousers."
"How minny times, Elijah, you cen't double tig on a tag!"
Finally, Pippin's foot was glued back on, and they set off towards Bree (again).
Chapter 4:
Legolina and the hobbits were walking through a strange cornfield when they ("they" meaning Legolina as he was the only one tall enough to see above the corn) saw a sign that said "Exit 3,842,923, Bree"
"Hey, we're not lost anymore!" said Merry.
They were all very mad (except for Pippin who was still running around touching trees) because they didn't spot this in the actual movie. If they'd seen that, they wouldn't have been chased by scary black things on horses for half an hour and Merry wouldn't have gotten a "big" splinter in his foot. Only Sam was disappointed.
"I wanted the next movie to be called The Amputation of Dominic Monoghan's Leg!" he said.
"Yeah, well, at least I'm not stupid enough to step on a piece of glass in the last scene because I was walking around in my bare feet," said Merry.
"We're all in our bare feet, stupid."
"Not me," said Legolina. "I went shopping at the Gap of Rohan the other day and bought this really cute pair of shoes to go with my purse!"
"Well, we can't all go to the Gap of Rohan," said Frodo. "That would take us too close to Isengard!"
"Shut up Frodo," said Merry. "We're not supposed to know that Saruman's a bad guy until we get to Rivendell."
"Oh, right, I forgot. That big black scary tower with crows flying out that looks exactly like Barad-dur made it so obvious that he was on our side. And the fact that Saruman's name sound's exactly like Sauron's and knowing that Christopher Lee plays people like Count Dukoo and Dracula weren't any indication either."
Suddenly, Pippin came out of the forest.
"Done!" he said, running into everybody else and knocking them off a cliff.
Merry groaned.
"Wos the matter, Dum?" asked Pippin. "Gut a splenter?"
"No, I think I've bro -- wait, didn't we already do this scene?"
"MUSHROOMS!" said Pippin.
"Yeah, I think we did," said Sam, "but the mushrooms are still here!"
They all ran over to eat more mushrooms, which was extremely stupid because they were probably poisonous. Legolina stayed where he was, though, applying more lipstick.
"Come on!" said Frodo. "Have some mushrooms!"
"No WAY!" said Legolina. "Do you know how many calories mushrooms have? I'm on a strict lembas bread diet."
"Really?" said Merry. "I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it!"
"Do you like seafood, Legolina?" asked Pippin.
"Well I sort of --"
Pippin opened his mouth, exposing several half chewed mushrooms. "See food? HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"
"OK, Billy, we did that in first grade," said Frodo. "That's not funny anymore."
"Yes et is," replied Pippin. "Look at Legolina!"
Legolina had fainted into the cluster of mushrooms.
Chapter 5:
The hobbits looked down at Legolina lying in the middle of the road.
"Es he going to die?" asked Pippin hopefully.
"You're not supposed to say that yet!" said Frodo. "That's for when I'm going to die."
Just then, Arwen rode onto the stage on a white horse.
"NO! You're not supposed to come in yet!" Frodo shouted. "That's for MY fake death scene!"
"I just wanted to see if the rumors are true," said Arwen. "People all over Lothlorien are saying that Legolina's hair is messed up!" She looked down at him from her horse. "I guess this means I'm the prettiest now! YES!" Then she started crying.
"What's wrong?" asked Sam.
"Well he lives right next to me so I make him drive me everywhere because you know the drive on the wrong side of the road in New Zealand and I'm a little bit dyslexic and that's just so confusing and I really like Orlando because he's a nice guy and this is his first movie and you know that can be a scary thing but I really like him because he drives me everywhere --"
"OK, we get the point," said Merry.
"Hey, I have an idea!" said Frodo. "You can revive Legolina with your special elf magicyish stuff, and then he can drive you around again and we can get to Bree and Billy can promise that he's not going to chew with his mouth open anymore so we'll all be men of our word, really, except for Legolina who is, in fact a woman."
"But then he'll be prettier than me!" protested Arwen.
"No he wun't," said Pippin. "He hes two messed up hairs!"
Arwen agreed to heal Legolina.
"Hey!" said Frodo. "What about me! You have to save some of your special elf magic for when I get stabbed by the Nazgul!"
"They're still playing Scrabble with the orcs," Arwen told him. "Besides, it's going to take them three years to get their costumes remade. They all spilled coffee on themselves, and we all know how well a brown stain shows up on black material at night. Hey, did you know that there's, like, fifty yards of material in those costumes? And the orcs take nine hours to get their make-up on?"
"Did somebody say make-up?" said Legolina, waking up.
"Hey, he's all better!" said Arwen. "Now I can go try to find Aragorn for a month even though it only takes the Black Riders 10 minutes. And they're BLIND too."
Arwen rode off into the wilderness and the hobbits went into Bree. They were met at the gate by a psycho gatekeeper who was really pointless because he just asked two questions and then let them all in. They walked through the crowded streets to the sign of the Prancing Pony, which was mysteriously lit up even though it was dark outside.
"I like ponies!" said Legolina. "They're preeeeetttttttttyyyyyyy. Not as pretty as me, though, of course."
They went inside to talk to Butterbur.
"Helloooo little masterrrs," he said.
"Heloooo little masterrrrs," said Sam.
"I have some noice cozy hubbit-soized rooms available."
"I have some noice cozy hubbit-soized rooms available."
"OK, shut up, Sean," said Merry.
"Yeah, hes accent esn't thet funny," said Pippin.
"What accent, little maaaasterrrs?" said Butterbur.
"Never mind," said Frodo quickly. "We need a hobbit-sized room and an elf-sized room."
"With lots of ponies," added Legolina.
"Roight this way, little masterrrs," he said.
Later that night, they were sitting around watching strange Breelanders with ferrets on their shoulders when Merry came up with a gigantic mug of ale.
"Wos that?" asked Pippin.
"This, my friend, is a metric ton," he said.
"Et cums in metric tons?" said Pippin. "I'm getting one."
"No, wait!" said Merry. "You can share mine! So can Frodo and Sam. What the heck, the whole bar can share it." He stood up on the table. "Everybody grab a straw!" he shouted.
None of the big folk seemed very interested. They all stayed up at the bar and sipped their own metric tons.
"I wunt to get my own," said Pippin, going up to the bar.
While Pippin was at the bar, Frodo's jewelry started talking.
"Bagginssss," said the ring. "Bagginssss... Bagginssss..."
"Baggins?" said Pippin. "Shoor I know a Baggins. He's right over there. Frooodoooo Baggins. He's my furst cousin twice removed, and my third cousin once removed, and my eighth cousin six times removed. I thenk he's my sister too. Et's kind of hard to tell with us inbred Shirelings. Hey, see thet hubbit over there pointing out the mysterious Strider to Frodo? He ends up having thurteen keds weth hes thurd cousin. Oh, and thet person with the ring dancing around on the table over there senging thet stupid sung abou' the cow and the moon? Well, if Sam knew this he'd kill him, but--"
Frodo, afraid Pippin would reveal embarrassing secrets about him and Legolina, suddenly stopped doing his song and dance routine and ran over to step on Pippin's foot. He tripped on his way over, though, and the ring mysteriously went onto his finger (in slow motion, of course). Frodo saw a big flaming eyeball.
"I -- see -- ringbearer" it said. "Ringbearer -- run -- fast! Run, ringbearer, run! Thank you, Hooked on Phonics!"
Frodo, very disturbed by the fact that the archenemy of the free people of Middle Earth had the vocabulary of a fried marshmallow, decided to take the ring off. When he did, he was grabbed by the Mysterious Strider.
"You drew far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill," said the Mysterious Strider, taking Frodo upstairs.
"Who are you?" asked Frodo.
"The Mysterious Strider," said the Mysterious Strider. "I got my name because I'm mysterious and I stride," said the Mysterious Strider.
"Are you really the Mysterious Strider?" Frodo asked the Mysterious Strider.
"Yes, I am the Mysterious Strider," said the Mysterious Strider.
"Are we going to introduce all 500 characters in this book this many times, Mysterious Strider?" Frodo said to the Mysterious Strider.
"No, just me, the Mysterious Strider," said the Mysterious Strider. "I'm the Mysterious Strider."
The hobbits and Legolina were getting a tad bit annoyed, so they burst in holding random objects that they thought they would be able to overpower a guy with a sword with.
"Let go of him or I'll... um... draw on you with this pen!" said Sam, looking quite frightening with a Sharpie in his hand.
"Yeah!" said Legolina, who was armed with a hair dryer.
"You tell him, Sam!" Merry said, holding up his broken carrot.
Pippin was feeling left out because he didn't have any dangerous weapons, so he ran back downstairs to get his metric ton.
"Don't worry, little hobbits," said Strider. "I don't want to hurt you. I want to help you. I'll even let you sleep in my room tonight."
"Why?" asked Sam suspiciously.
"The Nazgul, who could sense where you were from twenty miles away, won't be able to tell from two feet away that they are stabbing a pile of pillows instead of you."
"OOOOOOHHHHHH," they all said, even though that sounded even stupider than Pippin's "The closer we are to danger, the farther we are from harm" thing from the second movie.
That night, the scary Black Riders came into the "noice cozy hubbit-soized room" and stabbed a bunch of pillows. When they finally figured out that the pillows were not hobbits and that the hobbits were sleeping in another room, they decided to leave the building where they knew the hobbits were and go out into the wild.
Chapter 6:
The Mysterious Strider, Legolina, and the hobbits walked through the wilderness until they got to Weathertop and the Mysterious Strider gave hem sharp pointy things to play with while he went off to hunt some squirrels which was an extremely good idea because there were nine wraiths chasing them. While he was gone, the hobbits realized that they needed him for the scene where he's singing that scary little elvish song.
"I'll seng et for him!" said Pippin. "I need Legolina to translate et into elvish for me, though."
So Pippin started singing a song because they absolutely could not cut the scene because it had been a whole ten pages since the last song.
I'm -- too sexy fur my hobbit feet,
Too sexy fur my kilt,
Too sexy fur my prosthetic ears,
Too sexy by faaaaar.
I'm --
"Stop!" shouted Legolas. "I don't know how to say 'kilt' in elvish!"
"Well it's 'falda de escocia' in Spanish," said Merry, "but I really don't think this should be in the movie."
"Wait a minute," said Frodo. "Doesn't that mean Scottish skirt?"
"Yeah, but they're the same thing in Scotland reckoning."
"We really shouldn't put this in the movie, though," said Sam.
"Yeah, you're right," agreed Frodo. "But we need a musical type thingy!"
"I'll do it!" said Legolas, jumping up. "I can do this really good rendition of Silmarillion: The Musical!"
"NO!" everybody shouted at once, including the Mysterious Strider, who had come back.
"Hey, I thought you were off killing innocent squirrels," said Legolina.
"I came back to set the black riders on fire so they'd jump over the edge of Weathertop," said Aragorn son of Arathorn.
"Hey, I thought your name was Mysterious Strider!" said Frodo to Aragorn son of Arathorn.
"Yes, but I'm also Aragorn son of Arathorn," said Aragorn son of Arathorn.
"Shut up!" said Sam.
"But we have to get across to the audience that the Mysterious Strider and Aragorn son of Arathorn are the same person and that my name is Aragorn son of Arathorn and the Mysterious Strider," said the Mysterious Strider/Aragorn son of Arathorn.
"It's not that," said Sam. "It's just that Eileen is tired of typing and has to go now."
Chapter 7:
The ring wraiths sat in the wilderness, playing Scrabble during their coffee break.
"Tater isn't in the dictionary," complained Wraith #3.
"Yes, what's taterss, eh preciousss? What's taters?" said Wraith #2
"Can you remind me again why we let this Andy Serkis guy play Wraith #2?" Wraith #8 asked.
"Because we needed his voice," explained Wraith #1. "He's the one at the beginning who rides into Hobbiton and goes 'Shiiiire, Bagginsssss,' remember?"
"Anyway," said Wraith #6, "Is tater a word or not?"
"It's not in the dictionary," said Wraith #3 again.
"Fine," said Wraith #6, rearranging the letters so that they said "sporran," which isn't even possible, but that's OK.
"What's a sporran?" asked Wraith #9.
"It's that weirdo pouch thingy that bagpipers wear around their waste."
Wraith #5 looked through his black speech dictionary. "It's not in here," he said.
"Oh well," said Wraith #6. "But I've accomplished what I snuck into your coffee break thingy to do. Now everybody knows what the word sporran means and the next chapter will actually make sense!" Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa!
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not Wraith #6," said the person who everybody had previously thought was Wraith #6. "I'm Eileen O'Toole." She zipped off her costume and ran off, laughing like a maniac.
Wraiths 1-5 and 7-9 stared.
"And this isn't coffee," she shouted back, pulling down another zipper. "This is Pepsi Twist!"
Meanwhile, the fellowship was still at Weathertop, the Mysterious Strider was still explaining what his name was, Legolina was still trying to figure out how to say kilt in elvish, and the hobbits were still arguing about whether Pippin's "I'm too sexy fur my feet" song should actually be put into the movie.
"I dun't see why we cen't put et en," said Pippin.
"Because I don't know how to say kilt in Elvish," said Legolina.
"But et sounds so Tolkienish!" Pippin said. "We cen't jest nut put et in the movie jest because Legolina's stupit!"
"Why don't we just use the Spanish word for kilt?" suggested Frodo.
"Who in Middle Earth speaks Spanish?"
"All those orcs at Minus Morgul who run around saying 'hola!'" said Sam.
"And me!" said Viggo. "I also speak Danish and Elvish and Dunadanish and Common Speech and Troll and --"
"Anybody can speak Troll," interrupted Merry. "All you have to do is point and grunt."
"ENYways," said Pippin, "Whet about my song?"
"How about we have Viggo sing instead of you?"
"I still think we should do Slimarillian the musical," said Legolina.
"Or just cut the scene out," suggested Frodo.
Everyone stared at him.
"Then we'll have to go a really long time without having a song," said Sam. "We can't let that happen!"
"We can do a flashback to Smeagol singing 'give us that or we'll strangle you, Deagol.'"
"That's a great idea!" exclaimed Legolina. "Way better than Pippin's, anyway."
Pippin didn't talk to him for the rest of the night. Legolina tried to make up with him the next day by offering to paint his toenails.
"It would look so pretty on those hairy prosthetic feet! You could look almost as pretty as me!"
"I dun't wunt to look like you, lassie. I'm a HOBBIT, not some gurly elf princess."
"Oh," said Legolina, looking disappointed. He looked around for something to change the subject. "Where'd you get that purse?" he asked Pippin.
"Et's nut a purse, et's a sporran!" he shouted. "I'm SCOTTISH, nut some gurly elf princess!"
"You already said that," said Legolina.
"Yeah, well at least I'm nut a gurly elf princess!"
"I think somebody's in denial," whispered Aragorn.
"So, back to your purse. Is it from the gap of Rohan?" asked Legolina.
"Et's frum SCOTLAND, stupit! Et's a SPORRAN!"
"Looks like a purse to me," said Merry, and the rest of the fellowship nodded in agreement.
"NO! Et's a sporran! Et's from Scutland!"
"If it's not a purse, then why do you have lipstick inside?" asked Aragorn, opening it up.
"Thet's haggis, you ediot!"
"Oh," said Aragorn.
"You're so silly, Aragorn," said Legolina. "This is almost as bad as the time when you were kissing your horse but you thought you were kissing a girly elf princess."
"Aragorn was kissing Pippin?!" Frodo said, looking alarmed.
"No, he was kissing a horse. He just thought he was kissing Pippin."
"I'm NUT a gurly elf princess!" yelled Pippn. "And this is NUT a purse!"
"Well, whatever it is," said Legolina, "I just wanted to tell you that it looks great with your skirt."
"KILT!!! ET'S A KILT! ET'S NUT A SKIRT, ET'S A KILT! I'M NUT A GIRLY ELF PRINCESS!"
Their conversation continued in this manner for several hours until Pippin, sobbing hysterically, was finally convinced to abandon his Scottish pride and put on some less feminine-looking clothes. Legolina lent him one of his girly elf princess dresses.
"It actually doesn't look that bad," said Aragorn as they walked toward Rivendell.
"Yeah," said Sam. "I think pink is really your color."
"And you don't smell like moldy haggis anymore," said Frodo.
"How long have you had that lipsti-- I mean haggis in there, anyway?" asked Merry.
Pippin thought for a second and then said, "sexteen end a half years. End et's NUT lepsteck. I'M NUT A GURLY ELF PRENCESS!"
Aragorn decided to switch to a safer topic so they wouldn't be forced to spend the rest of the day talking about kilts and lipstick. "Are you going to wear that dress to the party in Rivendell?"
"Whet party?"
"The Halloween party that we're having after the council meeting about Legolina's hair."
"Is Eileen really that out of ideas?"
"I would say so, since we just spent half a chapter talking about lipstick and moldy haggis."
"I'm nut a gurly elf prencess!!!" shouted Pippin, accidentally messing up the lipstick/haggis he was putting on.
I was too lazy to ever finish this so it's...To Be Continued...
|
