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Dear Granny, We is very sorry that we hasn't written to you in over 250 years. You see, first we was mad at you for turning us out, then we spent 200 years busy squatting in darkness, jewelry fondling and talking about oursself in 3rd person/ 1st person plurel. Then we was too sad to write because the nassssssssty bagginses stole our precious. Then we spent 50 or so years being forced to watch flipper and old reruns of something in saurons forces (stupid sauron) then we was busy escaping from elves and tracking down tricksy little hobbitses who now have our precious. Guess what, granny? Good smeagol is now good(ish) again and is helping the nice master destroy the precious NO NO PRECIOUS WE MUST POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT BECAUSE THE SUSPISIOUS HOBBIT IS ALWAYS WATCHING THEN WE THROTTLES THEM IN THEIR SLEEP YES PRECIOUS but we likes the master, he takes care of us NO A BAGGINS STOLE IT AND A BAGGINS HAS IT NOW WE HATES THE BAGGINSES not this baggins ALL BAGGINS oh yummy we has tracked the tricksy little hobbitses into gondor and is now eating fish so juicy sweeeeeeeeeet nicsse fisssh nice fissssh o no now master wants good smeagol to leave told him we must finish fish but he said precious would get angry and as we sweared on.........on the precious! we must go i will write to you again from my new casa after i have bitten off nice masters finger (with which he strokes the precious lovingly) and while dancing around going "my precious my precious we finally has our precious" fallen into mount doom "my preeeeeeciouussss" love, smeagol/gollum/us!P.S. Say hello to Deagol for us (oh wait we had to kill him precious he sssssstole our birthday present from us! not listening P.P.S. It has suddenly occured to us that you probably died hundreds of years ago unless of course you found another precious in which case we will have to kill you unless you visit us in mt. of fuego and give it to us for our 278th birthday pressieeileen isn't this hilarious bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaabwaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaahhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa krista thinks she is a hilarious sheep no lamby pie!IT HAS OUR PRECIOUS!!!!! got to go tu "amiga" de arco iris smeaaaaaagol who is very crazy and wants some nice fissssssssssssh!!!!!!!!!!!!! nnnaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssttttttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy bagginses wont even give us fresh fish three times a day from the ocean if only he knew bottom earth was underneath mt. doom so now i am lord smeagol but they don't have fishes here oh no precious only sheepses and lambses has kelsey told you her theory about how since there is a middle earth there has to be a right earth, left earth, top earth and bottom earth
hello smeagol,
thissssss issssssssss your granny.How dare you say that we is dead of course we has a precious (but don't tell sauron or else he might set up a booby trap for us Stupid sauron) and hhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa and you can't come and steal the precious from us because you are all burned up. Fortunatly no nasssssssty hobbitses have tried to get the precious from us yet thank you for warning us good smeagol i have said hello to deagols rotting corpse for you he says " " because he's dead you killed him we knows we knows you had to kill him precious he sssssstole your birthday present from you. well we has news for you good smeagol deagol covetly slipped the real precious to us before he died (we is magico) and the one you had and were tracking los tricksy little hobbitses down for was a DECOY! so ha ha ha on you again poor smeagol we will come visit you in your new casa soon but we will come without the precious so you can't steal it from us we will bring you fresh fish however. yay!
love from your,
Granny
P.S. it has suddenly occured to us that you is probably melted by now perhaps we won't visit you in your new casa after all.
Dear Granny,
Guess what? We got some nicce fissh. Except me papa says that they're not for eating and they're just supposed to swim around in the tank. I said "What about their legs? They don't need them." He pointed out that fish don't have legs. Stupid papa. I think I will sneak into the forbidden pool tonight and eat them anyway. Nicce fissh, precious. Don't want fish.
-Smeagol
Smeagols Questionare
1. Do you love anyone?
THE PRECIOUS AND FISH
2.How much?
VERY MUCH
3.who is the hottest person ever?
THE PRECIOUS
no smeagol person
NICE MASTER
4.Who are the 10 hottest people in school?
WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL
5.Who do you consider your best friend?
THE PRECIOUS
6.Do you belong to any groups, in or out of school?
PERVY HOBBIT FANCIERS ANNONYMOUS
7. Who is the most popular guy at school?
WE TOLD YOU, WE DOESN'T GO TO SCHOOL
8.Who's the most popular girl at school?
WE DOEN'T GO TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9. Who at school would make the cutest couple?
WE IS NOT EVEN DIGNIFYING THAT WITH AN ANSWER
10.What is your secret desire?
WHAT ARE YOU,STUPID OR SOMETHING? HAVEN'T YOU READ THE BOOKS? TO TRACK DOWN LOS TRICKSY LITTLE HOBBITSES AND GET BACK THE PRECIOUS!!!!
no no smeagol i knew about that that is not secret what is your secret desire
DON'T TELL ANYONE BUT WE ONLY WISHES TO CATCH SOME FISHES
no smeagol i don't think you know the meaning of the word "secret" for the last time what is your secret desire
DARN IT WE WAS HOPING WE WOULD GET AWAY WITH THE FISHES ONE OKAY OKAY WE WISHES TO TAKE NICE MASTER OUT TO DINNER AND FOR PEOPLE TO STOP CALLING POOR SMEAGOL A "SNEAK"
bye,
Dear Granny,
Hello, How is you doing? We is glad to hear you isn't dead NO WE ISN'T!!! WE HATES GRANNY! No, we looooves Granny. She makes us nicce cookies. nicce peanut butter cookies. YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO PEANUT BUTTER! Oh. Well, how is the weather at your house? Is very hot in Mount Doom. Pretty fire, though. And Lord Smeagol, no, Gollum the Great, the Gollum, has fish three times a day fresh from the fish tank. YOU IDIOT!!! WE'S ALLERGIC TO SEAFOOD! Oh. That would explain the coughing and hacking after the Forbidden Pool scene. WE HATES THE MASTER!!!! Nope. We loves nice master. Takes cruel rope off Smeagol. Anyway Granny, we is thinking of starting a Bed and Breakfast here. Really good location for vacationing hobbitses, yes Precious. And they won't make us grab for roots and carrotses and- what's taters? YOU IDIOT! WE'S ALLERGIC TO TATERS!!!! Well, goodbye, Granny.
Love,
NO! HATE!
No, we loves Granny,
HATE,
GOLLUM
dear smeagol,
Im glad to see that you still have a split personality disorder. smeagol is suppposed to be doing his honors essays so bye ill write to you a gain to morrow and send you some yunnmmy peanut butter tater whatever elsse your alergic to cookies because we hatessssssss the good smeagol
Hello Granny!
Is still hot in Mount Doom so will most unfortunately not be able to make use of sweater you sent (pink not our color anyway). WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WE LOVES PINK? WHERE WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT PINK? Well we's allergic to wool anyway. Have just opened Bed and Breakfast. Is called Smeagol's B&B. NO!!! Gollum's B&B! No, Smeagol's B&B. Leave now and never come back! We told him to go away, and away he went! Smeagol is FREE! Anyway, B&B not going to well. Was expecting a curly-haired blue-eyed Hobbit who enjoys jewelry fondeling, squatting in darkness and referring to self in third person. Most unfortunately, no Hobbits are coming at all. What is poor Smeagol going to eat? We's allergic to everything else (YOU'S ALLERGIC TO HOBBITS TOO!) and orcs don't taste so good.
Your "friend" who also has to work on her honors essays now even though it's 7:00 en la manana,
Free Smeagol
hello my darling smeagol, NO WE HATES SMEAGOL!
we has a suggestion to make. how about you call your b and b Fresh Fish From The Ocean( or the fishtank) and you could serve fresh fish from the ocean( or the fishtank) except that there is probably no fishtanks or oceans in mount doom we is so sorry you doesnt like the sweater we sent (NO WE ISNT WE KNEW YOU WAS ALLERGIC TO WOOL THATS WHY WE SENT IT) but we didnt send you a pink sueter we sent you a purple one then shipped it to Rivendells Quick Mail to Mount Doom Service i was told it got sent directly to elrond himself i wonder what happened to it? elrond wouldn't do anything to it he is nicccccccccce like fish(NO WE HATES ELROND HE TWISTS EVIL ROPES) well we must be going now we is supposed to be writing our forensics application love granny
How are you? Smeagol is doing very bad. Why do you cry Smeagol? (sniff) Master tricked us. He sold film rights to Lord of the Rings. WE TOLD YOU HE WAS TRICKSY! no YES! Stupid cruel men copied poor Smeagol's forbidden pool song. LET'S GO POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT!!! Or... We could let HER do it. WHO'S HER, EH, PRECIOUS? Our lawyer! She sues the cruel men for copying our forbidden pool song! YAY!
Your friends,
Smeagol/Gollum who is going to POKE THEIR LITTLE EYESES OUT! /sue New Line Cinimas for copyright infringement
Dear Granny,
Hmmm..... This is very mysterious. I also tried to send you something purple through Rivendale. Perhaps Elrond stole it too. NO!!! IT'S BECAUSE GRANNY DOESN'T LIKE THE PURPLE LOIN CLOTH THAT YOU SENT HER!!! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. NOBODY LIKES YOU! No. We knows Granny would ask Smeagol for a reciet so she could exchange it for a nice pink loin cloth instead. She wouldn't trick poor Smeagol and pretend she never got it. YES SHE WOULD! SHE IS TRICKSY! No. Elrond stole it! NO HE DIDN'T!!! PURPLE DOESN'T MATCH HIS SKIN COMPLEXION!!!
HATE,
GOLLUM
P.S. Thank you for your b&b idea. It has helped us settle the dispute. We was going to have a boxing match to see what it would be called.
P.P.S. We thinks that having multiple personalities must run in the family.
hi smeagol,
how is you doing now? this is very mysterious indeed(y)
we has recieved a lime green loin cloth from you but you say you sent a purple one? hmmmmmmmm well we would have loved to have a purple one NO WE WOULDN'T WE HATES PURPLE IT DOESN'T GO WITH OUR COMPLEXION OR ANY OF OUR PURSE AND SHOE COMBOS! unfortunatly neither does lime green oh we tells a lie there was that one lime green high heel and bag set we got from deagol BEFORE YOU DID HIM IN (we is not allowed to write the word"kill" in our e mails because we has a tattle tale little sister)
anyway we is going to have to test elrond we must send him a purple chain mail thingy for you to bailar around in (well we will send it to you through Rivendell Quick Service) and see what color you get that should solve the mysterY NO WE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ELROND AND SMEAGOL WE HAS BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN SOLVE MYSTERIES SUCH AS SQUATTING IN DARKNESS, JEWELRY FONDLING AND TALKING ABOUT OURSELVES IN THIRD PERSON/ FIRST PERSON PLUREL not to mention us having to deal with having multiple personalities by the way how could you suggest that we would ask for a receit we is far too polite to do that WHERE IS OUR RECIET FOR THE LIME GREEN LOIN CLOTH????
we is feeling very lonely no elves pass by here anymore except for this really annoying "fellow" who is constantly looking in a mirror and muttering about being the fairest of them all or complaining about nobody loving him except some girl named sheila who is threatening to do things to his elfhood and is always kissing the dead carcus of a dwarf with braids (we had to kill him precious(stroking precious lovingly) he was getting on our nerves with the whole "well just wait till my cousin balin comes he'll kick your "glutus maximus" aka nalgas , oh yeah hes dead well my strong and extremely femenine elf friend will do it for me...") that night we climbed through a window to rob a cradle( we didn't know dwarves slept in cradles did you, precious) anyway maybe he was very young because he was quite tender me gusta los dwarfies ......para comer!!!!!
bye smeagol we loves you
HATES YOU
loves you
HATES YOU
okay lets compromise we dislikes you sometimes. glad to hear about your succes with the b+b!
GrAnNy
Dear Granny,
We made it into el IB so we won't be going to Longmont High. Lo siento. On the plus side, Smeagol is getting married! No, not to Hobbit, we is straight now (YOU LIAR! YOU KNOW YOU STILL WANTS FRODO!). We is going to marry beautiful brunette orc named "Shirley". Has great teeth and wonderful smile. Also has pretty imprint of white hand on face. Don't know why but won't tell us its real name. We told it that this might affect our relationship and it said it didn't buy into that New Age crap. Told it to get out of second age. First date started out well. It said that we is way hotter than Dobby and we didn't look like any Russian Presidents. Asked what Russia was and it said never mind. Later got very upset when found out we was not referring to it when we says "Precious." Made us watch Flipper 300 times when we said that we called it "it." Now wants us to call it "she." Told it to get out of second age. We then got into argument when it wouldn't tell us what it gots in its pocketses. Worked out in end, though. We is inviting you to come to our Wedding on March third. The wedding is at 4:00 at Mount Doom Methodist Chuch, and the reception is at Fresh Fish From The Fish Tank Bed and Breakfast. Scrumtoiusly crunchable refreshments will be served. Please RSVP by February 25.
Love,
Smeagol/Gollum
Dear Granny,
Sorry you couldn't make it to our wedding. We will provide you with a transcript of the wedding. We used our first initials so that it won't take as long to write. S stands for Smeagol and S stands for "Shirly."
S: We is almost ready ready for the wedding. What is you laughing at?
S: You look really funny in a tux Smeagol.
S: Yeah, well you're the first orc I've ever seen in a wedding gown.
S: Where's the ring bearer?
S: WHAT? What ring bearer? We can't let it touch the Precious, oh no! Smeagol is not pleased!
(Frodo comes in)
Frodo: I'm lost. I don't know where I was sailing to at the end of Book VI.
S: Nassssty Baggins!
Frodo: Oh hi, Smeagol. Can I have my finger back?
S: NO! Was stroking the Precious lovingly, it was.
S: Smeagol, this is our ring bearer.
S: WHAT!?!
(Wedding starts. "Shirley" lets Smeagol be the groom and the ring bearer in order to minimize the number of poked out eyeses. Frodo exits once he is told that he is going to undying lands because Aragorn DID get married.)
Priest: Smeagol/Gollum, do you take this orc to be your lawfully wedded wife?
S: Musn't ask us. Not its business.
Priest: But you have to answer the question.
S: No we doesn't.
Priest: Just say "I do."
S: What's taters, eh Precious, what's taters?
Preist: What?
S: How about I'll say "I do" for him.
S: How about we strangles the nassty nosy priest?
(Priest runs out of the room)
To be continued later because it's 1:00 in the morning and I'm going to bed now.
-Eileen
hello smeagol,
we was so glad to hear that your wedding went well. we has only 3 preguntas: 1 we thought the wedding was on march 3 it is only feb 16 what happened? 2 how come you simply did not "accidentaly" push the ringbearer into mount doom? and 3 are you kidding yourself? of course youre not straight!!! send us the rest of the info about your wedding however how come you didn't strangle the nasty nossy priest he has no right to go poking his nossssssssse in other peoples buisness. we should bite it off. no news from granny we isssssss just living our very boring life how come the rock and pool is nice and cool where is our reciet for loincloth? we is getting impacient over here smeagol love,
granny (we wants a name
Dear Granny,
Answers to your questions:
1) We changed the date of the wedding so that you couldn't come because we hates you. No, we loves Granny. NO, WE HATES HER!!!
2) The ring bearer was already in Mount Doom so we couldn't push him in.
3) Smeagol's feelings is hurt. Of course we is straight (YOU LIAR).
OK, here is the rest of our wedding.
S: Now look what you did! You scared the preist away.
S: Nasssty nosy preist.
S: How are we going to get married now?
Frodo: I can marry you guys.
S: NO! Smeagol doesn't want to get married to master! Yes we does. No we doesn't.
S: He didn't mean like THAT, Smeagol. He's going to replace the preist that you scared away.
S: Oh, we gets to poke HIS eyeses out?
(Smeagol chases Frodo around church.)
Frodo (while running around): Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
S: MUSN'T ASK US! NOT ITS BUSINESS!
S: Just say "I do"!
S: NO!
S: Smeagol, do it for me.
S: Then can we poke its eyeses out?
Frodo: No!
S: All right.
S: We does.
Frodo: Do you, "Shirley," take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
S: I do.
Frodo: Now you give her the ring.
S: WHAT!?!
Frodo: You have to give her the ring.
S: Nobody tells poor Smeagol he has to give away precious!
S: It's part of the ceremony.
S: Can't touch precious!
Frodo: You need to give her a ring to get married.
S: Then we doesn't want to get married.
S: Then you got into that tux for nothing.
S: Doesn't care.
S: (starts crying)
S: What has it got in its pocketses?
Frodo: Oh, this? This is an elven ring.
S: Where did the hobbit get it from, eh Precious?
Frodo: Gandalf gave it to me because he has an elven ring at the end of Book VI.
S: We gives that ring to "Shirley"!
Frodo: No, you can't have this.
S: Nassty Baggins. We pokes its eyeses out if it doesn't give it to us.
(Frodo hands over ring and Smeagol gives it to "Shirley")
Frodo: I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. (runs out of church)
S: We can't kiss bride, though.
S: Why not?
S: Can't reach.
We plans to go on honeymoon to undying lands once we figures out how to get out of this stupid volcano thing. Sorry you couldn't make it to wedding (not really).
Love,
Smeagol
hello smeagol
we is still hurt that you didn't invite us to the wedding did you get our wedding present? it was the unidentifable blob of sludge and slimy stuff ( it is the 3 week old remains of the dwarf we stabbed with our spectacles and part of an orc arm.) also we sent the pink teddy bear with the blue and white ribbon around its neck it is for harrily crunchable have "shirly" eat it then it will get to the baby before it is born. please try not to eat the bear the unidentified sludge is for you we cannot believe shirly doesn't trust you perhaps you should divorce her no that would be bad because then you won't have easy acces to a cradle ( and what won't be inside it any more) hey we has a great idea! you and shirly can be like sam and rosie and have 13 kids(except that they will keep on mysteriously dissapearing, especially when granny comes to visit ha ha you already told us when the baby is due so we will be there 2 weeks early) just do not name any of your kids goldilocks okay we figured out how you knew where frodo was in regresar de el senor because we was reading el hobbit (but only gollums chapter) and we found out that you can see a shivery wavy shadow in bright light when you have the precious on ( but that doesn't work cuz it was all dark wasn't it? oh well) got to go smeagol we will be there on oct 23
"love"(aka hate) granny (we is still very upset that we doesnt' have a name)
Dear Granny,
You KNOWS we hates dwarves. Nasssty dwarves hits precious with axe in RivenDELL. We knows. We was watching while pretending to be a lawn ornament. Sneak? Us? Noooooo. Granny, we thinks that you doesn't know anything about orcses. It only takes them 2 weeks to be born. How else does you think Sauruman could build an army so fast? So you won't have time to visit before it is born. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Except we made that up so you wouldn't come.) NO WE DIDN"T! Yes we did. NO WE DIDN'T!
-"Smeagol"
Dear Granny Daughter of Great-Granny,
How is you doing? We is doing good. Left cradle today. Yay! Unfortunately, "Shirley" took us to fortress of Barad-Dur because we wouldn't tell her what we wanted to call baby. We was thinking somewhere along the lines of "Big ugly monster that looks nothing like us except for the ears," but we don't think "Shirley" would appreciate that very much. "Shirley" has forced us to watch Flipper 300 times. Will remain strong because we thinks "Shirley" might make us watch re-runs of The Faculty if we tell her that we think baby looks like hideous monster (except for ears, of course).
Will write more later,
Smeagol
P.S. Does you want to know how much taller "Shirley" is than us when we is standing up straight or squatting in darkness?
Dear Granny,
@#$$@ evil methods of torture refined over the millennia. "Shirley" has switched to Faculty re-runs. Cannot cope, but still doesn't want to insult baby. In fact, we wants to eat the baby, but that's another story. Anyway, we shouted out a random name so that we wouldn't have to watch stupid reruns. The good news is "Shirley" stopped torturing us. Bad news is we now has a son named Shirebaggins.
Say hello to Deagol for us.
Love, (aka Hate,)
Smeagol
Dear Granny,
Here is our own special grandsonship test:
1) Which of these does we love best?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2) Fill in the blank. "My ! BLAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!
3) Which of these does Barney Bombadil look through?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4) Who does Smeagol fall into Mt. Doom holding?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5) Which of these did Smeagol have a 500-year affair with until Baggins stole it?
a. Granny
b. Master
c. Fish
d. PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The answer to every question (except for #1, of course) is c. If you did not get all of these right, we doesn't think you knows us very well AND WE WE COME TO RIVERFOLKTON OR IRAQ OR RIVENDELL OR WHEREVER YOU IS NOW AND give you a hug because we loves you except not as much as fish.
Love (but not in a fishy way),
SMEAGOL
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